The Occasional Opinions Awards 2023/24
2nd Annual. The sequel is never as good as the original.
Well that’s it. Another season in men’s football is over.
(This will be a men’s football only awards. I’m slowly gaining more knowledge about the women’s game, but don’t feel it right to speak on their players when my knowledge is still so limited. Next season.)
City are Premier League Champs for the 4th straight season. Leverkusen knocked off their “Neverkusen” nickname with an invincible season. Real Madrid locked up both the Spanish and Champions League crowns. PSG won in France, again. Inter proved themselves to be the very best in Milan and in Italy. PSV are the new Dutch masters. Sporting CP reached their Portu-goal. Celtic are the kings of Scotland once more.
So on, so forth. I’m not gonna go through every league. Sufficed to say, the league seasons are over in most European countries, players are hamstrings are looking like the finest barbecue ribs you can buy because of the amount of games they’ve been forced to play, and there’s still the Euros to come this summer.
FifPro are considering a strike, as the strain on football players bodies continues to rise, all in the name of more, neverending, always rising, profits.
So what better time to celebrate and denigrate the people in our game that bring us joy/embarrass us with their every waking moment.
It’s time for the Opinnies? The OOAs? I haven’t figured out a shorthand for it yet.
You guys should vote on it.
Anyway, let’s move on to the things you came to see.
The Jake Humphrey Award:
(For the broadcaster that most made me want to gouge my own eyes out)
Peter Drury
Now honestly, this is harsh.
This award was given to and named after “High-Performance” Jake Humphrey last season for just being an utter prick. He retired from Football broadcasting last season, and the world is better for it. Birds are tweeting, Rabbits are bouncing around in the fields again. The entire planet just feels sweeter.
Actually, possibly too sweet. Bordering on saccharine.
I have no personal issues with Peter Drury. He seems like a nice man. He’s extremely talented at what he does. He brings a gravitace to certain games that heightens the stakes and adds to the occasion.
A lot of people were, rightfully, delighted when he was announced as Martin Tyler’s successor as Sky’s main Super Sunday commentator. We’ve all seen the clips. “GOAL, BAFANA, BAFANA, for South Africa, for all Africa”. The problem is that the way he commentates on those clips is the way he commentates on EVERYTHING and when you’re subjected to it every week for a whole season it’s just far too much.
It’s all well and good having lines prepared for huge moments in a season or historic moments in football, but when those lines start coming out as Liverpool go 3-0 up against Sheffield United, maybe it’s okay to think it’s a bit too much.
Too much of a good thing ends up making that good thing feel awful. Unfortunately, that’s the point I feel Drury is at at this stage.
Manager of the Season:
(the winner of this award last season was sacked this season, I hope this isn’t a curse)
Sebastian Hoeneß
It’s obviously actually Xabi Alonso, but as he’s been said by absolutely everyone else, I’ll tip my hat instead to Sebastian Hoeneß, who’s had almost as dramatic an impact at Stuttgart.
The son of former Bayern Munich striker-turned-president Uli took charge of Die Schwaben in April 2023, with the club bottom of the Bundesliga. After saving them via the relegation play-offs, he’s guided them to third place this season – securing a first Champions League qualification for over a decade. Were it not for Xabi, there’d be a lot more noise about Hoeneß across Europe.
Disasterclass of the Season:
(Awarded to the player with the worst individual performance in a single match)
John Lundstram vs Celtic, 11/05/2024
If the summation of stats from Lundstram’s performance that’s posted above isn’t enough to prove how poor this game was from the Liverpudlian, then here it is in all its cinematic glory.
An own goal, which is almost entirely his fault, which he then seems to blame one of his teammates for in the aftermath with a pointed finger. Then, after Rangers have nipped one back, a ridiculous challenge that he was never going to win, studs up, into the ankle of his opponent, red card.
I’d like the SPFL to keep a close eye on the accounts of Lundstram and his friends and family around the time of this game, because this is the worst performance I’ve ever seen from a professional footballer, and it would not surprise me if he, or someone else for him, had bet on himself to be red carded.
Truly, truly awful.
The “I half-read “Inverting the Pyramid” once so now I’m a Twitter Tactico” Formation of the Year:
(This award takes the piss out of others, but it’s also a direct shot straight at myself.)
Leverkusen 3-4-2-1
The formation that tore Germany and much of Europe’s 2nd tier apart this season.
3 Centre Backs working at high levels, all capable of defending both wide and narrow. 2 Wing Backs who rank amongst the Top 5 fastest players in the Bundesliga, one of whom (Frimpong) effectively plays as a winger. A Pair of all-action Centre Mids, both capable of sitting deep and dictating play, or pushing forward and adding to the teams creativity. Double 10s either side of single Striker, sometimes switched to two Wingers either side of a False 9 (as in the Europa League Final).
The true marvel of this team is in its depth. An injury may happen, but anothe rplayer is there to back them up almost immediately to the same level. One of the major figures of the team may leave on a transfer, but the vast majority of players are there to pick up the pieces left behind by their absence, and another, younger player, will be present already in the team to take their place (E.g. Kovar available to replace Hradecky, Tella to replace Frimpong).
Xabi’s defensive line will move forward and the central midfielders will freely rotate between either side to help move the ball quickly and create space. The striker will occupy the outskirts of the penalty box to keep the two centre-backs busy whilst the 10s can move between the opponents’ midfield and defence to receive a pass and linkup with the striker or the other 10. The players will play short passes in the central area to invite the opponents to press and then once space opens up behind them they will play a through pass to quickly move in on goal.
Xabi insists on Leverkusen playing majority of the game in the opponent’s half. It’s simple logic, If they control the possession in the opposing half, Leverkusen can dictate the flow of the game and also reduce the number of chances created by their opponents. Hence, Leverkusen play an extremely high defensive line whilst the players in front of them focus on pressing the opponents very high up the field.
Xabi’s formation is also extremely adaptable and continuously changes according to the opposing team’s pattern of play and predominant attacking areas. In this instance, the opposing team successfully beats Leverkusen’s high press and they decide to exploit the spaces out wide on both wings because Xabi’s 3–4–3 formation leaves the defenders exposed and outnumbered. However, when this happens the wide players in midfield will track back and join the defence, therefore changing the formation to a 5–2–3. Sometime when Leverkusen at under immense pressure or playing against teams who live on possession like Bayern Munich, their defensive formation can change to a 5–4–1 shape where the 10s or wingers will drop back into midfield to make up numbers while the striker will remain up top to offer an attacking outlet to relive pressure from the defence.
Congratulations to Xabi Alonso on how he’s built and organised this team this season. This formation and style of play may not be his own creation, but he and his coaching team have truly perfected it.
The John Arne Riise “Thunderbastard” of the Year:
(Not awarded to the best goal. Awarded to one with the most venom)
Marcus Rashford vs Manchester City
It’s been a season to forget for Manchester United forward Marcus Rashford who has struggled for form throughout the campaign. Rashford has failed to replicate anything like the level of performance he produced last time out which saw him slam home 30 goals across all competitions.
However, there have been flickers of his obvious quality, including a blistering strike that gave United the lead in the Manchester Derby. Andre Onana’s long punt upfield allowed Bruno Fernandes to get in behind City’s back four with the game approaching the ten-minute mark.
The United captain held the ball and waited for his teammates to join him in the City half. Enter Marcus who ran onto Bruno’s layoff and lashed home an unstoppable effort that crashed in off the underside of Ederson’s crossbar.
There’s an extra layer to the venom of this strike, as Marcus has been very unfairly mistreated by so-called “fans” following the jibes of YouTuber Mark Goldbridge, whose channel thrives on negativity being levelled at both Manchester United as a club, as well as individual players on the team. His hatred directed at Rashford, along with the ire of the British press, who crave dragging down black English players to fuel their racist ideologies, was focused squarely on Marcus before this game.
This was his answer. And what an answer.
Red Card of the season:
Amad Diallo
After an injury-time winner against his team’s historically biggest rivals, already on a yellow card, Amad Diallo did what any of us would do and whipped off his shirt in celebration.
Unfortunately, despite the hard work of teammate Scott McTominay to cover it up, this was noticed by the referee, who gave Amad his second yellow and sent him back to the dressing room.
No matter, the game was won, he received another massive cheer going down the tunnel, and wrote his name into the Manchester United lore books for the rest of time, not only netting my “Red Card of the Season” award, but maybe netting some notice as receiving the best red card of all time.
The Stadio award for Best Cake Carrying:
The wonderful “Stadio” podcast continually creates new terms that I use in everyday settings, and this season was no different. This year, the outrageously talented writers Ryan Hunn and Musa Okwonga created the term “Cake Carrier”, meaning “A person who holds the weight of the world on their shoulders, is always under pressure, but has to deal with everything calmly, gracefully and precisely.” Effectively, a new version of the MVP award. They explain it better in the episode, which I have embedded above.
My winner for this new award, created by and named in honour of my favourite podcast, is…
Rodri
While Phil Foden has probably been Manchester City’s player of the season, nothing about the way they play could be acheived without the work of this man.
Quirky football stats are normally not quite as cut and dried as first meets the eye but the Rodri one really does tell the story: City have not lost in the Premier League for 50 matches with him in the team. Without him this season, they lost three of the four games he missed.
Speaks for itself really.
It can be quite hard to stand out as a holding midfielder whose job is to get the ball and give it to those further up the pitch to cause some damage, especially when it’s Foden who is causing that damage. But beyond all of the less obvious stuff Rodri does, he has actually made a huge contribution to City’s goal output this season. His eight league goals were bettered only by Julian Alvarez, Foden and Haaland, and his nine assists only by De Bruyne.
He was already a force to be reckoned with, but by adding that level of final-third threat, he’s taken his game to still another level, and surely there is nobody in world football who can hold a candle to him in that position.
“It’s because he’s able to do everything,” City manager Pep Guardiola said in March, as he hailed Rodri as the best holding midfielder in the world. “The tempo he has, especially his character when the situation is going wrong, he steps forward to arrive to the box, go backwards, the ability to play short and long. He’s always ready.”
Best Midfielder in the World to me, and most definitely the Cake Carrier of his team.
The Micah Richards breakout star award:
Cole Palmer
Cole Palmer deserves the accolade on stats alone. He finished second in the Premier League’s Golden Boot charts (22 goals) and was second in the league for assists (11), giving him the most goal involvements in the league. What an ome achievement for his first season of regular first-team football.
But this sport is not just about numbers. Palmer can stroke a pass or perform a trick that gets people off their seats at home, let alone those in the stands. The 22-year-old is one of those players you hate watching when he’s playing against you.
Take it from me more than anyone. I was present, in the Chelsea stands, when Palmer almost single-handedly dragged Chelsea to a come-from-behind win against Manchester United in April. His play throughout that game sucked all of the life and joy out of me. That, more than anything, means he deserves this.
Walking back to my room after that game, through the pissing rain, while cars went by blaring “Three Little Birds” out their windows, will always stick in my mind.
I hate you Cole. I really do. Congratulations.
The Sir Alex Ferguson award for Squeakiest Bum:
(This award is given to the scorer of the most important late goal of the season.)
Cole Palmer vs Manchester United
Building off the last award. Bit of live viewing bias here.
This is the most important pair of goals this season for the finishing places of two teams in the league. Even if Manchester United did end up getting a Europa League spot through an unexpected, this killed any chance of that happening in the league, and completely turned around Chelsea’s late run.
A penalty after a poor dive in from Dalot on Madueke, expertly placed home. Then, a short corner that United had left open all game, rightfully punished, thanks to a deflection.
The guts that young Cole Palmer had to take on these two, he deserves this award also. Wonderful. Heart-breaking. I still hate you.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFF of the Season:
Alexa, play “My Way” by Limp Bizkit…
Maupay vs Maddison
This one has been more of a cold war than the Conte vs Tuchel scrap that won last season’s award.
During Brentford's 3-2 loss to Tottenham in January, Bees loanee Neal Maupay copied Maddison's dart throwing celebration - something that the Spurs player made clear that he did not like as the two had words post-game.
The England midfielder got into a war of words with the Frenchman through the media, belittling his playing career.
The most recent dart thrown in this rivalry was just a week ago (at time of writing), as the now Everton man poked fun at Maddison on social media following Gareth Southgate's call to leave him out of the Three Lions' 26-man Euros squad, by posting a photo of him with some darts and a dartboard just a few minutes after the announcement.
This may just be the start of a long rivalry. I’m looking forward to the rest of it.
For now, in a good year for the cows, this is our winner.
The 23/24 Award for the absolute worst vibes:
Antony
This is a personal one. This cretin brings out the absolute worst in me.
To quote Kendrick, “I hate the way that you walk, the way that you talk, I hate the way that you dress. I hate the way that you sneak diss…”.
Let’s state outright, Antony is a terrible footballer. The definition of robbing a wage. He can do one thing well. He can only use one foot. Passing? Terrible. Shooting? Terrible. Dribbling? Terrible. The worst signing Manchester United have ever had, no matter some of the consequential goals he’s scored.
Past all of that, he’s also just a piece of shit. Anger-management issues. So self-absorbed to the point where he moans about having to play out of position, in front of an entire crowd of people. All bark, no bite. And that’s not even mentioning the multiple abuse allegations against him. Get him out of my team.
Drury is the Mauro Ranallo of football - I enjoyed the latter’s commentary whenever I caught English language NJPW but listening to him nearly every week when he made the jump to WWE was too much. Likewise.
Enjoyable read, Michael!